Warlord Zaxus & The Wonderful Killcruiser Madness
by Leah
Summary: Harlan learns Spung history and tries to put it to use in a Killcruiser...


# Warlord Zaxus and the Wonderful Killcruiser Maddness

### "What if I fail this test, Miss Davenport? Will I wreck my chances of ever becoming a STARDOG? I have to become a STARDOG. You don't understand." 

"I do, Mr. Band. But you have been neglecting your studies altogether. Get to work studying, Mr. Band. . . .YES, Mr. Band?" 

"So if I fail this, I don't get to become a STARDOG?" 

"You have to take this test on the Spung culture. You have to _understand_ certain things. The Spung are our enimy. If we can understand them, we can defeat them." 

"But I lost my notes." 

"Talk to Elmira." 

"That is a good idea. I'll do that." 

He was really mad when he stepped into the lounge. He glared at Elmira. 

"You'll pass the test. Lucky you. It's your stupid culture, so you'll pass it." 

"If I was to be given a test on Earth's culture, I'd be just as nervous as your are now. What's up?" 

"Did you know that the Starcademy was for training STARDOGS?" 

"What do you want, Harlan Band? Yes, I know that." 

"I wondered, since you were the daughter of a Spung warlord and all, does that make you uncomfortable?" 

"Yes. I don't exactly enjoy the thought of Radu becoming a STARDOG. I'd really never see him after he becomes one. He wouldn't be allowed, or, worse yet, he wouldn't _want_ to." 

"Just wondering. Look, I need you to give me some test answers . . . Notes, yes notes. What warlord . . . " 

:þ :þ :þ

__

TWO DAYS LATER 

Harlan stormed into the girls' bunkroom. Elmira was innocently reading math information on her compupad. She psychically felt him come in. 

"Yes, Harlan Band, why are you angry?" 

"How do you do that? You probably know how I'm going to DIE, too, then, don't you?" 

"I just know things, Harlan Band. Blame my mother." 

"If I fail this test I am about to take because you din't like the thought of _me_ being a STARDOG and gave me the wrong notes, you're going to take a beating. You shall not live to see tomorrow." 

"Chill out. Who conquered the Herinaso?" 

"Warlord Zaxus." 

"Just checking. Look, the notes I gave you are completely correct. I would know. If you want proof, I'll hack into my old tests and _show you_." 

"Yeah, Elmira, prove yourself. Show me." 

She pulled out her green communicator and started typing in commands. She grinned as the old tests started showing up. 

"I'm a good student." 

"Oh, shut up. Let me see the tests on the history of your culture and Spungania." 

"Right here, Harlan Band. Will you please get off my case now?" 

"I can't read your handwriting." 

"My tutor could." 

"Ah, here is where you started printing. I can read this part better. Hey, look, you got the Zaxus/Herisano question wrong." 

"That's why I keep asking you that question; so you don't make the same mistake I did." 

" Why didn't you just use your psychic powers to find out the answer? You knew who I was and that I was mad the second I walked in." 

"Cheating, Harlan Band. That would have been cheating." 

"So?" 

"What do you mean, _so_? I have a conscience with an attitude. I would have felt miserable." 

"You got a good grade anyway." 

"I suppose I did. So will you, Harlan Band." 

"I suppose I should do some last minute cramming." 

### "Bye."

# Warlord Zaxus and the Wonderful Killcruiser Madness

By Me, Leah 

Part 2

Elmira and Radu were flirting with each other in the lounge an hour or so later when Harlan walked in. 

"I failed," he said, making a face at Elmira. 

She grinned and yelled, "No, you didn't! You passed and you know it, you liar!" 

He ran over and gave her five. [_Did Elmira give him 5 or 3? How do you say that for a girl with only 3 fingers?_] 

"How did you know?" 

"I'm a psychic. Besides, Harlan Band, your acting was _terrible_." 

"Guess what. Now I can go up to any random Spung and say, 'What do you think about Warlord Zaxus and what he accopmlished for the Spung Empire?' " 

"Oh, gee. Now he can make small talk with warlords. You now have a new way of stalling Warlord Shank when he's about to kill you." 

"Shank would never kill me. We're best pals. Real close, you know." 

Elmira grinned and burst out laughing. "Dere was a bond!" she said before she collapsed to the ground in giggles. 

"Who are we talking about?" asked a deep voice from behind. 

It was Warlord Shank. 

Elmira stopped laughing and stared at him. "_Father . . . ._" she whispered. 

He glowered at her. "You're in trouble, Elmira, a lot of trouble. Your friends are going to die." 

He grabbed his lightning rod thing and blasted Radu. Elmira's eyes widened and she dropped to her knees beside him. "Radu . . ." she whispered into his ear. 

"So," began Harlan, "Let's talk about Warlord Zaxus and the Herinaso. . ." 

Shank blasted him, too. Two Spung servants jumped out and grabbed Elmira. Catalina had already been captured and was in the killcruiser. 

__

To Be Continued Soon

# Warlord Zaxus and the Wonderful Killcruiser Madness

Part Three 

By Leah (me!)

"My head. I must have fallen on my head." 

"Are you OK? Harlan?" 

"Yeah, maybe, I suppose." 

"Cat? Can you do something to help him?" 

"Not exactly, Radu. I don't have any supplies. Sorry, Harlan." 

Catalina grinned and kissed Harlan. 

"All better." 

Radu rolled his eyes and wondered, //Where is Elmira?// 

:Þ :Þ :Þ

Elmira's eyes flickered open. "Radu?" she said, looking around her. 

As she looked around, she realized she was back in her old room, in her father's killcruiser. Radu was not there. 

//I suppose he's here somewhere. I'll just have to find him// she thought, standing up. She walked to the door and tried to open it. She couldn't. It was locked from the outside. 

:Þ :Þ :Þ

"It's no use. I'm telling you, this is a stupid waste of time. Even without my gloves. Yeah, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try. Here goes." 

Radu pressed really hard against the bars. His face was turning a fascinating shade of pink. Then he leaned against a wall, exausted. 

"What's the point of giving up, man? Try it again." 

"Harlan, why don't you think of something other than that, because it doesn't seem to be doing anything. Radu tried; it must be some kind of a special metal." 

"Yes, Cat. Where is Elmira anyway? Radu, take a nap, OK? Maybe there's a message waiting that has the way out." 

"Later. When I wake up, I don't want to be the first in a torture chamber. Let's get out first." 

:Þ :Þ :Þ

After half of an hour of trying to find the password to break the code, Elmira was getting bored, nervous, and frustrated. 

She hissed and kicked the door as hard as she could. 

And it opened. 

//Gee, why didn't I do that to begin with?// 

Feeling pretty smart, Elmira rushed towards the dungeon's cells. 

She ran from one to another. Soon became painfully clear. Cat, Harlan, and her beloved Radu were gone. 

:Þ :Þ :Þ

"Ow, you're hurting me. Let go of me!" Cat yelled at Warlord Shank, who was dragging her along. He had a knife to her throat. He had told Radu and Harlan that if they wanted Cat to live, they would obey him. 

"Where's Elmira?" Radu asked Shank. 

"Far away and locked up. Stupid little Andromedian. I can't believe I'm talking to you. Andromedians are to be enslaved, not talked to." 

"That's a nice way of putting it. Maybe you should go on the 'All About Manners' show." 

"I have a knife to your throat, remember?" 

"Don't talk about that. It's not happy. Warlord Shank, what do you think about Warlord Zaxus? Comments? Questions?" 

"Shut up, Earther. Right now." 

"But did you ever meet him? Was he your pal?" 

"He died 300 years ago." 

"You seem rather elderly." 

"You seem rather annoying." 

"What was his favorite food?" 

"How old do you think I am, anyway?" 

"You are a geezer." 

"I have a knife to your friend's neck, just to let you know." 

"You aren't going to hurt her." 

"Want to bet?" 

"Harlan," Cat squeaked. "Please cooperate with Mr. Shank here." 

"My name is WARLORD Shank, and we're here." 

"Where is here, Warlord Geezer?" 

"You call me that again, and Miss Titan here gets it in the throat. Wouldn't it be fun to see her bleed to death?" 

"You've got a sick mind." 

"You've got a big mouth." 

"Did Warlord Zaxus have one, too?" 

"OW!" 

"Hey! Don't do that, you're hurting Cat!" 

"Look, she's bleeding. Gee, Miss Titan, does that hurt? ANSWER ME!" 

"Yes, sir." 

"Do you want your little Earther boyfriend to shut up so I won't do it again?" 

"Yes." 

"Did you hear her?" 

"Yes, Warlord Geezer. Shank. I meant Shank. Really. Please don't kill her. I really really really meant Shank." 

"Ow! Harlan!" 

"Don't hurt her. She's my friend. Please!" 

"What do I care about your d@**ed girlfriend?" 

"You don't. Just, please . . . ." 

"You are such a weak species." 

"Can we go visit Elmira now?" 

"Shut UP, Andromedian. Why do you care, anyway?" 

"We're friends . . . . I suppose." 

"Yeah, Shank, why don't we get to see Elmira one more time before we all die? Your sweet little daughter wil would not like it if we were savagely killed while she was taking a nap." 

"Fine. I'm locking the door behind me. I'll go and get her, all right?" 

"_Cat, hide behind me._ Yes, Warlord Geezer!" 

A moment later, Radu sighed and leaned agains the door. That was a grave mistake because it swung open a second later, making him fall outside. A Spung jumped in, only to be attacked my Harlan and Catalina. 

"Guys, please, it's only me. Chill out." 

The three relaxed when they heard Elmira's high, childish voice. 

"Look, you have to get out of here. He'll kill you." 

"Yo, Elle, if he ever gets into a fight with you, I know the best thing to call him." 

"What's that, Harlan Band?" 

"WARLORD GEEZER!!" 

"Are you feeling all right?" 

Radu grinned. "We were calling him that earlier." 

"Is that why Catalina's neck is still bleeding?" 

"Thanks to Harlan's big mouth! Can you belive him? My poor neck. Some boyfriend!" 

"Oh, Cat, you love me anyway, right? Suzee said the both of you thought I was . . . . cute." 

Elmira started laughing and could not stop. "Oh, yeah, sure, Harlan! So cute! All cute and cuddly, like a teddy bear!" 

"Shut up, Elmira. Do you think Radu is cute?" 

"You see, Radu can be as cute as he wants to be. He is cute and cuddly." She hugged him to prove her point. 

  
"Wait, Elmira. Don't I get a say in whether I get to be cute or not?" 

"You aren't, Harlan. You're too, well, you're too you. You're just not the cute type." 

"Elmira, you're right. I think he's more handsome." 

"Cat, he's not that type either." 

"All right then, what type am I?" 

"Annoying. Full of yourself. Disgusting. Perverted. Racist, sometimes - -" 

"Shut up. You're lowering my self-confidence." 

"Oh, but Harlan Band, you have so much to spare." 

"Radu, hit her please." 

"I think I'm supposed to be cute. Cute things don't hit their girlfriends." 

"Even when they're annoying?" 

"I don't think she's being annoying." 

"What do you call her then? Nice?" 

"And pretty too." 

"So you are cute and she's nice and pretty? What's going on with this picture?" 

Cat was watching this and she thought it was hilarious. She burst out laughing at this point. And Elmira hugged Radu again. 

Harlan stomped out of the room crossly. 

Elmira shook her head and chased him out of the room. 

"I did not mean it, Harlan Band. Get back in there." She pointed at the door. 

"Someone could see you." 

"So?" 

"They could have a heart attack." 

"Thanks a lot." 

"I never mean these things. They . . just sort of . . . come out. Harlan . ." 

He started running and she chased him. Just as he turned a corner, she heard a voice boom out from behind her. "And where do you think you're going, young lady?" 

She whirled to see her father standing behind her. 

//Great. Just when I need a talk about discipline with good old Dad. How nifty. Just what I wanted for Christmas.// 

"Now, let's talk about the locks on the doors. They are not to be tampered with in any way. You are to remain in your room, because I usually have an intention when I lock you in there." 

//Why me? Why? The Christa people don't have to worry about their parents ...// 

"Now we shall discuss associating with the UPP members, especially Earthers and Andromedians . . . " 

To Be Continued

# Warlord Zaxus and the Wonderful Killcruiser Madness

Part Four 

By me, Leah

"Radu, shouldn't they be back by now? Where are they? Go and look, Radu." 

Radu glanced out the door. There was no one there. 

"What are we going to do, Radu? I AM SPAZZING OUT OVER HERE!!" 

Radu jumped back inside. //Where is Elmira? And Harlan? Is Shank coming back soon?// 

"Look, Cat, let's get out of here. Shank could get back any moment. It's not safe." 

"All right, let's go." 

:Þ :Þ :Þ

Harlan stopped running when he realized that Elmira was no longer behind him. "Darn, she's always got to ruin my fun . . ." 

He jumped about a mile when somebody poked his arm. He whirled around to see . . . 

Jeev, Elmira's 4-foot-tall cousin. 

"Hello, Mr. Earther, sir. How is your day going? I am the bellboy of this hotel, and I am pleased to inform you that it is in . . . tip-top condition. Try to find a piece of dust . . . AHA! YOU CAN'T!!! 

//This kid has gone over the edge// Harlan thought. 

" . . . because dust is the enemy. Dust is what clogs your pores. Yes, indeed. Dust is by no means a good thing. Don't you agree, Mr. Earther, sir?" 

"Yeah, kid, really nice. Thanks for sharing. But, you know, I've got to head off and find my friends. Keep away from Warlord Geezer. You know, everyday stuff." 

"What about the killcruiser? Is it not DUST - FREE?" 

"Yes, kid, spic-and-span. Lovely. But I've got to head off, like I said. Have you seen Elmira lately?" 

"No, sir. Would you like me to call room service?" 

"No, that's all right. But . . maybe, if you can . . . an ice cream sundae - " 

He was interrupted by a shout from behind him. 

"AN EARTHER! WHAT IS IT DOING HERE?" 

"Hello, sir," the young Spung boy said happily. "Want room service?" 

The guy grinned and pointed at the door. "Out, now, I've got to talk to the Earther." 

The boy grinned and ran off. 

"You . . ." the Spung began gravely. 

"Hello, sir. Did you know you bear an amazing resemblance to Warlord Zaxus?" 

"No, kid. Actually, I don't look at all like him." The Spung man looked rather confused. 

"Let's talk about Warlord Zaxus." 

"Is this some kind of a joke, because, if it is, I am going to lock you up, forver and ever, and you shall crack, under the pressure." 

"Let's talk about that little kid. He was quite a bit wacky, eh?" 

The Spung man said, without expression, "That Spung kid was Jeev, my son." 

Harlan ran in the other direction, hoping to be saved by someone, anyone. He tripped. And fell. 

//Oh, great. I'm dead.// Harlan got up and turned around. The man hadn't followed him. 

//I'm such an idiot. But I've got to find Elmira . . . or Radu. Or Cat. I really wish I had an Andromedain sense of direction right now. Why me?// 

He continued walking, feeling as though he was being watched all the time. He was panting loudly, out of breath. 

To Be Continued . . . 

# Warlord Zaxus and the Wonderful Killcruiser Madness

Part Five 

By Me, Leah

"Cat, where are we going?" 

"I have no idea. All I know is that I don't really like being in a killcruiser. Where's Harlan? Can't you hear him?" 

Radu leaned against a wall and listened with all of his hearing abilities. 

Then he heard it. The sound of running and the sound of loud Earther breathing. (All different races have all different kind of lungs and throats, so those who listen carefully can hear the difference.) "I hear him. He's running. This way. He may be in danger." 

Harlan continued walking. He was glancing in all different directions, so he was pretty sure that no one was following him. Then he heard Cat yell his name. 

A minute later, the three friends were back together. 

Cat scowled. "How are we ever going to get out of here?" 

Harlan grinned. "Warlord Zaxus could probably help us out. Let's call him." 

"Harlan," Radu said, softly and politely, "it's getting extremely old. Please give it up." 

"Your little girlfriend would've laughed." 

"Well, Elmira's not here, is she?" 

"You guys really have to stop talking about me behind my back. It's really starting to bug me." 

Elmira stepped out of the shadows. Radu hugged her. 

Catalina grinned and Harlan pretended to barf. 

"Aw, you two are so sweet," Harlan said in a little-old-lady voice. 

Elmira walked over and socked Harlan in the stomach. 

Catalina gasped, but got over her shock a second later. "I actually think you deserved that, Harlan." 

Harlan scowled. "I was just saying they look kind of weird together. They do." 

Radu yelled, "WHOSE BUSINESS IS IT, ANYWAY? WE'RE NOT HERE TO LISTEN TO YOUR RACIST COMMENTS! Come on, Elmira, we're leaving." He took her green hand and they left, leaving Harlan stunned because he'd never seen Radu emotional like that before. 

"Well, I guess Warlord Zaxus would've thought it was funny," said Harlan, who was on the floor. 

"Warlord Zaxus is DEAD. Please get it into your tiny little head." 

"Sure, babe." 

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!!" 

Catalina kicked him and left in the general direction of Radu and Elmira. 

Harlan was still lying on the floor all alone, in the hallway. 

"Hmm . . . I guess nobody likes me." 

"Hello, there," said Jeev, the Spung boy who Harlan had met earlier. "Would you like that ice cream sundae you ordered?" 

Harlan sat up. "Yeah, with all of the toppings!" 

The boy left, then returned a minute later, holding a bowl. "For you." He held it out, showing a whole lot of ice cream with chocolate sauce. Then the boy reached into his back pocket, pulled out a spoon, gave it to Harlan, and left. 

Harlan tried it. The sundae was very yummy. Harlan thought about his situation. It was so funny that Harlan started laughing and the ice cream went up his nose. 

"I wish I had room service right now. I want a napkin." 

"Your wish is my command, for that is the meaning of Room Service." The boy gave Harlan a napkin and then left, but Harlan felt that the boy was not truly gone. 

:Þ :Þ :Þ

"Elmira, come on. Please stop crying." 

Radu gently touched her arm, but she shook it off. "Why? Why did I have to be a Spung? Why me? What did I do in a past life to deserve this? Why can't we be together, without some person questioning us?" She was still crying, but the tears weren't coming out as quickly. 

Radu wondered if he was going to be able to suppress his own worries. He felt so bad for the both of them. Again he tried to confort her, and this time she let him. 

:Þ :Þ :Þ

//I'm lost. Where is everyone? Hello? Oh, maybe I should have just stayed with Harlan// Catalina thought. 

She continued walking until she realized that she had reached the edge, perimeter, of the ship. //There have to be airlocks around here. If the Christa is still attached . . . // 

She began to talk around the airlocks, hoping that maybe one of them would be open and have the Christa attached to it. 

She was having no luck until she heard a shocked voice whisper: "Cat?" 

Catalina ran to the closest airlock. There stood Bova, ready to zap. "Get in here. Where is everyone else?" he whispered urgently. 

"Catalina jumped into the ship. "I really don't know, Bova. Radu and Elmira got mad at Harlan, then I got mad at Harlan. I don't even know where Harlan is. I really wish I hadn't stormed off . . ." 

"Great. Now I have to stay and gaurd the ship while everyone else goes to find him. Then the Spung will come and get me and it'll be all over. And I'll be saying, 'What else is new?' " 

"Bova, you really need to be happier. I mean, really. Look, why don't you go ahead and go find them? I'll stand gaurd." 

"No, Catalina. The Spungs would kill you and it would be all my fault. No, no, no. Stay where you are. The Commander will handle it when he gets better from that disease he just got which might be fatal. It probably is, you know." 

TO be CONTINUED . . . . . 

# Warlord Zaxus and the Wonderful Killcruiser Madness

Part 6 

By me, Leah

"Maybe, Elmira, the Christa's still attached to the Spung killcruiser. Can we go and look?" 

"Sure. Let's get going. The airlocks are down this way." 

The couple walked down the hallway, not really worrying about anything at all. 

They should have. 

:Þ :Þ :Þ

"What do you mean, the Commander is sick? We're going to die!" 

"Yeah, we probably are. No kidding. What's that?" 

They both looked down the hallway, to see Radu and Elmira emerge. 

"Hey, Cat!" Elmira said happily. "Where's your dork boyfriend?" 

"I have left that dork behind. I really don't know where he is!" 

"Yay!" 

Radu interrupted their fun. "Excuse me, but I don't perceive this as a good thing. What if he's dead?" 

Warlord Shank, having watched this whole thing, smiled. //The Earther is on the loose, eh? Well, guess who's going to find him and make him pay?// 

Shank crept off to find Harlan. 

:Þ :Þ :Þ

"Thank GOD for room service!" Harlan said, grinning. He was sitting in his hotel "suite." (Guest rooms where the occasional visiting warlords stayed.) HE was stuffed to the very extent of his stomach. 

//Time for a nap// he thought, leaning back. Then the door crashed open and Warlord Shank jumped in. 

"You're dead, Earther," Shank said. 

"HELP! ROOM SERVICE!" Harlan yelled. 

Jeev very calmly walked in. 

"Yes, sir? Would you like anything else besides the sundae, yogurt, chocolate bar, glass of soda, apple fritter, frozen yogurt, or anything else that you have already ordered?" 

Shank got really mad. "Jeev, you are supposed to KILL earthers, not GIVE THEM ROOM SERVICE!! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU . . ." 

Jeev ran away. 

Harlan followed Jeev. 

Warlord Shank fell on his face, therefore causing the other two to get in the lead. 

"Harlan Band, in here!" Elmira yelled from an angle after he had reached the airlock section. 

He slid into the airlock, and into the Christa. 

They took no time taking off and blasting away from the killcruiser. Little did they know who stowed away. . . 

:Þ :Þ :Þ

"Hi, everybody! Anybody in the mood for room service?" 

# THE END


End file.
